BEARDS

I love beards. There, I said it. I love looking at them, I love touching them, I love uhhhh making out with them (well, with the face attached to one). I love how I look with mine, I love growing mine. Although, I do shave it completely off once a year just to see what my naked face looks like. This tends to shock the shit out of people who know me. I do it because I don't want to be some 60 or 70 yr old dude and FREAK OUT if some weirdo shaves off my beard in my sleep. Old people have very delicate realities.

I LOVE GUYS WITH BEARDS. I can't help it. I have been slightly beard obsessed my entire life. Well my life as far back as I can remember. Which is pretty far. I cannot actually recall the very first man I saw with a beard but I can tell you that they have always enthralled me. I used to look at beardy men and wish that I could grow one, especially when I saw really cool indie rock types with beards. I was an EXTREMELY late bloomer and didn't even shave until I was 19. Freaky, right? Hey don't call me names!!

Once, a couple of friends and I took a trip to Vegas. 2006? Maybe? 2007?? Hell, I don't know, quit badgering me with questions. Anyway, we were in Vegas and I forgot to pack my razor. The scruff started growing in and I took a Facebook poll (duh, like you don't do that) to see if I should try to grow a beard. My mustache was suspect as a mug but it grew in (My friend J.L. has incredible facial hair, I am SO JEALOUS of his mustache, it is so thick and dense it makes angels sing, you could strike a match on his freshly-shaved upper lip, yep that solid). I was so happy to finally have a beard!! You may not know this but, even today at almost-35, I have a baby-face. Like bad. Like I look like a teenager. Ok, maybe not an actual teen but if I had a big acting break and they wanted to cast me as a teenager, I could pull it off. At the very least I look like I am in my 20s and that is weird. When I actually was a teenager, I had such a smooth, young, and feminine face that people would ask me all the time if I were a boy or a girl. Seriously, I was asked by many strangers and even had people yell at me "HEY 'IT', ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL??" Even back then I thought "If I had a beard, NO ONE would ever ask me that again" (and no one has). So the beard helps age me and assert my gender. After it grew in, I started noticing that guys who never gave me the time of day before started showing interest. Waittaminute, a beard can get me some?? SCORE. Bonus score. I also get people asking me if I am in a band. The tattoos contribute to that. I kinda want to be in a band JUST so I can say "Yes, kickass beard and I shred the axe and destroy the stage with rock-god-like intensity!!" instead of my typical response of "No, I'm not." I feel a sort of camaraderie with my bearded brethren (and sisterren?), like we know something that other guys don't know. I also get a lot of attention from women. Like, a lot. Sorry ladies, I'm queer (surprise). I look butch as hell though, so who can blame the fairer sex for trying to get with me. It grows so fast, sometimes I like to cut it into weirdo shapes haha, which perplexes many people (not on the level of IncrediBeard, but who the hell else COULD be on that level??) or I forget to trim and before I know it, people are speaking to me in Farsi.

If a regular guy, an average-looking, average-build guy has a beard, he instantly gets bonus points and his attractiveness is elevated. If I see that they have shaved, 1- they have teensy little faces and 2- they are dead to me. Yes, this completely goes against me shaving mine annually, just savor the dichotomy there. The beard phenomenon recently seems to have swept the nation, actually the world. Ok, at least America and Great Britain, really that accounts for most of the world, right? Is that statement racist? Probably. I follow some of the beardy model types that have brought this look mainstream (think Ricki Hall, swoooooon) and am amazed at the response these guys have gotten with their crazy huge bushwhacky beards. I find it so interesting that there is a Cycle of Masculinity when it comes to facial hair and how MEN wear theirs. It used to be popular for guys to have beards in the 60s/70s, mustaches, chops, etc. Chest hair, long hair, HAIR all used to be good. Then in the 80s and 90s men, for some reason, thought they had to be hairless to be manly. Shaving chests, clean-shaven faces, etc. Jumping back to the 40s/50s when facial hair was taboo. Almost like if a man were hairy, he was less masculine. Which is fascinating because if you look at men from the turn of the century, they all had facial hair! And some oddly-shaped ones at that. Look at President Arthur or Lincoln. Actually, except for 2 men, all of the Presidents of the United States from 1861 to 1913 had beards or mustaches. Rutherford B. Hayes had a KILLER beard of considerable length. Yet, not a single POTUS since 1913 has had any facial hair. At all! Crazy, huh?

Looking at this Cycle of Masculinity, it is no surprise that the 2000s brought beards back to life. I always chuckle at my straight guy friends who have beard-envy because I do rock a pretty sweet beard and some guys just cannot grow one. Do I think that makes them less-masculine? Yes. Just kidding. Sorta. I don't like to put gender-normative behaviors on anyone, which will be discussed further at another time, because I don't think that behaviors are inherently masculine or feminine.

Point being, beards are badass. No lie. No one can deny that. If you try and refute that beards rule all, I can only assume you are a Communist-sympathiser and that you hate God, as well as children's smiles.