It all started when I was a kid. After discharging from the Navy (I am a Navy brat), I grew up out in the country where we had tons of animals. I mean all sorts. Dogs, cats, goats, birds, and so on. Then when we got older my sister had hamsters, rats, and I even had a ferret. Cats were never singularly exciting or special to me, just another animal.
Then in my 20s...
I was finally living in my own apartment. I was so lonely living alone that I bought a plant and named her Ama-Phylliss but it juuuuust wasn't the same. So I asked for a pet for Christmas. And I got one, a baby kitten named Khensu. Whom I loved more than life itself. When he was a couple years old, he was lonely so I got him a cat to keep him company. I couldn't fathom owning TWO cats so it made much more sense for me to own a cat who owned a cat. Khensu got out and disappeared a few years ago, and I was heartbroken. His cat however, Kioko, remained in my care.
Kioko was rescued from the SPCA. When I went shopping to buy my cat a cat, it seemed like a good place to go. My Mom took me and we looked around and amongst the million kittens there was this boisterous little guy who was adorable and playful and I was sorta of connecting with him when I see there was this tiny little quiet furball off on one side with little paint spots on her head. When she came over to check me out, the 1st kitten hissed and flipped out on her, which pretty much decided that he would not be a good cat's cat but lil painthead was so sweet she had to come home with me. When I got her home she JUMPED out of the box so excited and then she realized there was another cat already there and she went off on him. I was worried but thought they should get to know each other better before I returned her. Within a week they were brother and sister and cared for each other a lot. Khensu was very possessive of me and Kioko was very shy towards me, as a result she was truly my cat's cat. We were friendly but not overly so and she had a strong dislike of strangers. In fact, most people who came to my homes during this time never even saw my cat's cat, only knew of her. Fast forward to Khensu's disappearance and Kioko was wrecked. She cried and cried and cried out the window (I'm getting a little misty remembering how broken up we were, which proves full cat ladyness I suppose). In that time we sort of realized that our connector was gone and it was just the two of us.
In the almost 4 years that Khensu has been gone, Kioko has blossomed. And it's about time, this cat is 10 years old now!! She is much more loving towards me and now will actually let strangers pet her. Sometimes. She also drives me crazy. People always talk about cats and their weirdness, but until you have actually lived with one, I don't think you can understand. They are smart, loving, empathic, mischievous, funny, really funny, and also selfish. Basically, they are like tiny, furry people. I tell Kioko sometimes that her love suffocates me and the photos below illustrate this. While I have been blogging, she has been creeping on me and throwing herself right in the middle of it.
Whose lap is it anyway? Also, please note the layer of cat hair on my grungy bum sweatshirt.
Read a book? Don't mind if I do.
Oh, you were trying to lie down on the sofa and relax? I love relaxing!!
You can't possibly write with dirty hands, here let me help clean your fingers.
I'm proud to say that of the 787 photos I have on Instagram, only 194 are of, or include, my cat.
Things I have learned about cats:
If you don't feed them, your life will be hell. DO NOT ever run out of food, you will get tripped on the stairs and fall to your death. In all reality, they know exactly where the food is and what time you are supposed to be serving them. And Kioko never lets me lose track.
Forget wearing black. As I am a FGA (Fat Gay American, wait for THAT post haha), I love to wear black. I feel like it slims me, and at least in photos I can use my friends or children as camouflage and my black shirts are perfect to disappear my fat into the background. As a result of this, I have a lint roller upstairs, one downstairs, 2 in my car and one in my desk at work. I buy 3 every time I am at IKEA.
You want to sleep in? No.
Anywhere you need/want to step, your cat has already beaten you there. I don't know how this little psychic knows EXACTLY where I need to be. I can't count how many times in a single week that I unknowingly put my foot down on top of her when I swear she was across the room 2 seconds ago. I wish I could harness this power of feline-future-sight to predict winning lottery ticket numbers. Unfortunately, cats don't give a fuck about your monetary situation.
I have never used the bathroom alone. Ever. If I am sitting down, she climbs inside my shorts/pants, under my underwear and makes a fort in-between my legs. I have almost photographed this a few times but then all of you readers would know I was pooping and that's basically a photo of me pooping. You're welcome. If I am standing up, guess who is making figure 8s around my legs. Not Antonio Banderas, I can assure you.
If you are inside, she wants to be outside, if you are outside, she wants to be inside. Is this some weird feline yin-yang shit??
Cats will barf at least 3 times a week. And if you have a space that would be ok for barfing (like my concrete floor), they will make sure and barf 2 inches over onto the not-ok space (like my Oriental rug).
I don't think there is a single non-genital area of my body that hasn't been touched by my cat's body or tongue.
Cats see ghosts. Or aliens. Or they are on meth and that good stuff kicks in unexpectedly. There is no solid answer for the weird looks or bizarre parkour-like running that occurs. Sometimes, I actually stare intently at the same spot she is staring at because I KNOW one of these days, I will see "it" too.
Cats need more attention than a cheerleader at the beach. She will go upstairs when I am downstairs and jump around (how the hell does a 12lbs cat make that much noise walking) and then wail like she is lost. When I can't stand the crying anymore and I call her name, she comes running down the stairs and looks at me like "Oh, I didn't know you were here."
If you are ever sad or need comfort, a cat takes care of it.
I haven't had mini-blinds in over a decade. Not only because they are horrific and look terrible, but they are like crack to a cat. Cats suddenly become carnival aerialists in the blinds and you come home to find a jacked-up mini-blind massacre and no one needs that stress.
If you are packing to go out of town, THEY KNOW and the sad faces and moping about will kill you. Also, check your bags twice because that little shit probably crawled inside one of them and hid under your chonies.
Read a book or magazine? HAHAHAH YEAH RIGHT. Good luck.
I also engage in full on spoken conversations with my cat. We have some regular exchanges.
Me: I'm so tired, go to the gym for me.
Cat: Meow.
Me: I'm so thirsty, go get me a drink
Cat: Meow.
Me: Please fold the laundry and put it away while I am at work.
Cat: Meow *rolls around on clean, now hairy laundry pile*
Me: AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH
Me: Do you think I'm pretty?
Cat: Meow, meow.
Me: OMG WHY DID YOU EAT ALL THAT TACO BELL/COOKIES/FATFOOD LAST NIGHT??!!
Cat: That was you fatass. Meow.
I swear one of these days she will actually answer me. Ack.
I also have a cat calendar at work. In one of my previous jobs, I ordered supplies and when you order a certain amount you can sometimes get a free "gift". Once I chose a "Bad Cats" calendar because it was the least-shitty choice (compared to monogrammed utility gloves, a box of paper clips or a toilet brush). It was actually funny and got such a reaction that I started buying one every year (and now inevitably a coworker will get me one for Christmas). I proudly hang my cat calendar up and it freaks some people out. There are a bunch of different ones, Yoga Cats, Bad Cats, Bald Cats, Buddhist Cats, Cats & Friends and so on. Further proof that cats, and the people who love them, are way weirder than you can imagine. This public display of feline hedonism also brings other cat-lovers out of the closet. Some of them are over-sharers and make me uncomfortable.
I could go on and on about my #CatLife, but this post is creepy enough as is. I will end by saying that I have never known the type of unconditional and complete love that my cats have given me. I will be absolutely devastated when the day that separates me from Kioko permanently finally arrives and I wouldn't trade any of the time we have had together for anything in the world.
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